So what do you look for in a relationship?
When you have been dating for a while you are used to the question: “So what do you look for in a relationship?” It has become a habit to answer it with “ A real partnership, where there is room for the both of us and we can bring added value to each other’s lives by sharing experiences, supporting each other and loving each other.” In response I have gotten a meriad of answers from “A family, I am just here for fun and my number one favourite: “I am looking for a woman who is a queen in the kitchen and a tiger in the bed room.” PUKE.
Now, for me the thing remains a real question mark. What is a good relationship? For some people it is something where you bring two lives, two people as close together as possible. I have friends who enjoy doing everything they possibly can together with their significant other, while others manage long distance relationships like they were born into them. And I keep wondering what a good relationship would be like for me. On the one hand I long for a home, a family feeling and for someone to know and see me, truly see me. On the other hand I am reluctant to let go of the space I built for myself. The thought that I would have to share everything with a significant other scares me without a doubt. So what is a good relationship? Someone who understands what an enigma you are and goes with the flow?
Now, from my single’s point of view, I am making a list of everything a person could be to me. A shoulder to cry one, someone who makes me laugh, someone who likes to travel, etc. And starting from an ‘I want’ perspective might be the opposite thing that we need to do. So I started thinking of all the things I wanted to be for another person. I want to be someone who feels like home to someone, I want to be someone who can lighten him up when he is having a rough day, I want to be someone who listens and understands, I want to be someone he can learn from, I want to be someone who can be taught, I want to be someone who helps him grow and I want to be someone who allows him space when he needs it.
What if we stop thinking from an ‘I need’ perspective and start think from an ‘I give’ perspective? What if we attract people by thinking about the love we want to give to another, in stead of thinking about a list of things we need?
In our culture of fear, so many of us are afraid to give… there’s the fear that we might be used – we might not get back, we’re being “taken”, the fear that we really don’t have enough to give. But we do. We have time to give, we have love to give, we have affection to give.
So my challenge for now and to myself is to think about all the things you can bring to the table in a relationship in stead of thinking about all the things you want to get out of one.
You know, just to shake things up. ;-)