Day 1460 in the search for love
I could call this day 1460 in the search for love or I could call this the desillusion of it. Either way it works. When we grow up, we are told that everyone will find love. We translate it to a marriage and kids. We translate it to desperate over 30 and we translate it to naive if you find it before you turn 18. In any way we make it one of the 5 pillars of life. Right there among work, family, the self & friends. Maybe some would replace ‘development of the self’ by other things, but all 5 of those fields should be obtained, should be fulfilled to ensure a happy life.
Now, after my divorce I dabbled into, but most importantly out of a variety of relationships. From 3 month flings to a year of living together and I have come to the realisation that love wasn’t present in any of it. I mean, overpowering, life-affirming love. That love that we seem to think exists for everyone. And even though I have an amazing fulfilling life and I am genuinely happy for most of the time, all seems to fade away under the weight of that 5th pillar. I love my job. I just bought an amazing house. I am surrounded by the loveliest people, but yet to my environment I remain somewhat of a lone wolf. Someone that misses something. Even to myself it means that.
Is the 5th pillar the one ‘ring’ to rule them all? Is life really defined by whether or not you find love? Even though you can be amazingly happy in all other pillars? It feels like it. And I am so tired of it. Why aren’t there any movies of women and men travelling the world and loving their jobs with the happy end of dying alone?
I know the answer. It comes in the form of my grandfather, who says: “People are not meant to be alone, Evy”. I guess he is right? In any way it feels like it. But you know the shittist thing about it? You can’t control it. I have met men that I would have loved to fall in love with, only I didn’t. I have been with guys who were good to me, who had amazing stories and who were also just looking for that one special person. But it was never me. The fifth pillar is the one thing I have a difficult time controlling, because it comes from a place I can’t seem to force.
So for now I am letting it go and settling with the overwhelming privilege that is my life. Just as it is. From happy searching, to happy being. Or at least happy trying. ;-)