And suddenly all songs were about you
I miss you when the days are sour and the nights seem lonelier than ever. When the world is cruel and unkind to me, and I feel like a misfit pressed into a corner. I miss you when I fail, and I have no one to tell me it will be ok. I will be ok. I miss you when I’m travelling to foreign lands. I want to tell you about dancing on the beach, adventures in the mountains and skinny-dipping in ice cold lakes. I miss you in my duality, when I do not know which way to turn or where my head is at. I miss you. I miss dancing in the kitchen with you or skipping school to go shopping. Could you come and get me out of work sometime? Can we smoke one more cigarette in the car so I can feel the rebel in me again? Could we have one more talk by the fire please? One more hug on the couch? Could we watch Pride & Prejudice one more time? Please? I miss you. Can you please tell me how arrogant I am one more time? How rude I can be? Or complain about how messy my room is? Can we have one more champagne breakfast on my birthday? And can I sing for you one more time? Will you let me tell you how much I love you one final time?
I remember every curve of your body, the deep blue of your eyes, the blond stripes in your hair. I remember the dimples on your lower back, your long and skinny legs and your steep chin. I remember the jewelry you wore, which clothes were your favourites, which songs you would hum. I remember your laugh, your cry and how cold you were when you were angry. I remember your long fingers and the one black spot you had on your nail. A slammed door during childhood. The only thing I lost is your fragrance and the subtle curves of your voice telling me how much you love me.
Before and after are now my lines of thought. Before you died and after your died. Like an earthquake split my world into two worlds that can never be united again. I think about you every day. Like some day you will return and tell me it was all a test. Just to see. How I would do on my own. And then you would tell me if I failed or passed.
I feel I don’t have a grip on life sometimes. People who have never known the loss of a love like ours, a loss like you, annoy the crap out of me. They talk about trivial regrets or annoyances. They complain about things that don’t even matter. They do not realize how quickly life is lost. How much it should be appreciated. Not really. They stay in relationships that don’t work, jobs they hate, meet up with family they can’t stand and are too cowardly to change anything. Too set in their ways to change.
After you died, I changed.
Your death has made me hard. The softness that used to cradle my soul has left me most of the time and made room for a demanding determination and purpose. How could I live my life idly when you have lost yours? How can I not take every change I am given, rather demand the chances that have been taken from you? I feel the pressure of living my life for two. And living the life you deserved.
In my heart I live for both of us.