Getting To Terms With Myself
A great way of looking at yourself is through someone else's eyes. The eyes of a friend, of a child, of your parents, of a stranger. A child will tell you without even blinking that you have a big nose or that you can be pretty scary. I asked one of my gymnasts - 12 years old - what kind of a trainer/teacher she thought I was. 'The yelling kind with no patience' she said dryly and without hesitation. Well. Auch. Though she probably has a point.
Asking someone what they think you should work on, can be a rather daunting moment. My best friends are used to me asking this of them and are happy to indulge this masochistic habit of mine, but even when you think you have got yourself all figured out, you need to guess again.
To make matters even worse, you find out you change. Like all the time. And then you end up with someone you sometimes don't even recognise. That is scary. So I began thinking about the things I always have been and things that totally changed about me. Here are the ones I came up with.
Things about me that stayed the same:
- I am a outgoing, sunny person who enjoys life in general.
- I am constantly caught in my own duality: chaos & focus, negligence and disciplined, responsible and unaccountable all in once. I will have a messy house all week and then get totally irritated about it and begin cleaning like a maniac. I will have a slice of cheesecake for dessert and at the same time lecture my colleagues on healthy eating. I will commit myself to teaching gymnastics 10 hours a week, but always arrive 10 minutes late. Just because.. you know.. life...
- I have always been the odd duck out. I would wear a poncho in the colours of the rainbow on my first day of school. (I can still pair my leopard jacket with my bright pink hat just because it makes me happy.) I never wanted to have children, I wanted to adopt. I was never a part of the cool kids, and even though I sometimes cared a little, it never kept me from being who I am. I am good at being who I am.
- I am a dreamer. I love reading books and getting caught in a story. I love imagination. Fairies. Harry Potter. Inspiration boards. Travelling. That's all me.
- I love taking care of people. I love cooking, I love buying gifts, I love throwing a party. I love giving advice. I want to be there for people. If I love you or like you, you will need to get used to this. I guess I can be pretty maternal (Yuk, something I do not really like about myself).
Things about me that have changed:
- I used to care about other people's opinions a lot. And now I go totally overboard and sometimes don't care at all. Only the people I like and care about can have an opinion and that suits me just fine.
- I closed my circle. As a child or even young adult you think you should have as many friends as possible. The wider the circle the happier you would be. Now I keep my circle small. On purpose. Not that I don't like meeting new people, I just avoid letting people in my life that I in all honesty do not want there. Just to be nice. Either you are all in or you are all out.
- I am a though cookie. Or to put it a little less nice: I can be pretty bitchy and stubborn. I have no patience and I will show you if I don't agree with you. I have only discovered this of myself recently, as some of my friends pointed this out, but I do want to work on it. Being strong is not the same as being a bitch, which I do become sometimes. Assertive? Yes. Bully? No please
- On the borderline of indifference. As a child I cared about everything. Everything was a drama. I could cry for hours over a fight with a friend or a boy not liking me. Now? I am madame relativity. "There are a lot of people who have it a lot worse" "I am sure there are two sides to the story" "If he doesn't like you, oh well on to the next". Not really sure I am liking this newly developed side of me too much either.
Do you every think about what are the things that make you you? Or how much you have changed in the last couple of years? If you don't know, ask you friends. They will have a pretty good idea!